UNFORGIVING

The Unforgiving Heart

Miriam Webster defines Mercy as compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power. Forgiveness is defined as the ACT of forgiving; to cease to feel resentment against an offender.
In my life, I’ve become so good at mercy that I totally suck at forgiveness. I’ve shown so much compassion, understanding, and leniency towards those who have hurt me…by the time I reach my limit, forgiveness is almost an unreachable goal. I’m working on it.

My normal process in dealing with people who have hurt me too many times is to completely delete them from my life. I delete your number from my cell phone. I break all online community ties and as a result, you cease to exist in my world. It’s not that I’m purposely trying to be mean, but once I’ve a decided a person has no purpose or meaning in my life…I see no point in allowing them to remain in my mental presence.

It’s not that I purposely ignore the people I have cut out of my life. I just can’t see them. They are no longer on my radar and if I happen to walk past someone without speaking it’s really not because I’m being a bitch…I truly can’t see someone once they cease to exist to me. Seeing that person is equivalent to seeing a stranger in the street and I either, nod my head and keep moving, or I just don’t speak at all.

I mean really…if we have no children together, don’t run a business together, or work together…why should I have any contact with you? That would just be ME allowing mercy to sneak up and bite me in the ass again right?

To date, there have only been a few people able to make it back into my good graces and it was because THEY pursued it…not me. It’s funny, because even the role those few individuals play in my life is a far lesser role than they held before they hurt me.

Self Preservation Rule #1: Never allow the same person to hurt you again.

I’ve learned that it is impossible for me to go into a relationship with an open heart and all defenses down. The last time I did that I was hurt so badly that my walls needed walls to keep the offender away.

This is a sad state of mind and I’m truly working on it…but until I can get a handle on it….my heart and my trust are on permanent lockdown.

I was once told that I should be able to just forgive and let it go instantly because that is what God has done for me. My honest answer is that I’m HUMAN, not God and things like that are a tad bit harder for me to achieve. Thank goodness my God also forgives me for this character flaw because without his mercy, I would have long ago ceased to exist in HIS eyes.

Have I just taught myself a lesson? Yes. I hear it. I understand it. Yet find it hard to receive…. Maybe tomorrow.