I was recently asked if I thought the title of my Blog would offend overweight people. It’s a legitimate question, but I responded with a heartfelt, “I don’t care.”
I really don’t. I think that our society has become so politically correct that people tend to be offended by the wrong things.
My Blog is called Diary of a Mad Fat Woman. First of all, “DIARY” is a word that denotes the recording of private thoughts. “OF A” refers to an individual. “MAD” refers to the state of mind of the “FAT WOMAN” recording her private thoughts.
This is MY diary. I’m MAD, I’m FAT, and I’m a WOMAN.
In other words…this diary is about ME…not you, not your mom, not your auntie, not your cousin, not your best friend. It’s all about Ebony Farashuu and I make no apologies.
Let’s talk about the word FAT.
I know that it’s ridiculous to some when they see a woman standing at 5 feet six inches tall and weighing in at 164 pounds call herself fat. Technically, I know that I’m not FAT in the traditional sense of the word, but I AM overweight and it is more than just a physical thing.
Strategically, I look good in my clothes. I say “strategically” because sometimes I wear spanx when it’s too hard to suck in my belly. Sometimes I will place a cute belt in places that bring more attention to my boobs than my gut. I wear heels to augment my strut and bring attention to the length of my legs, and I try not to wear tight fitting shirts that have the potential to enhance my baby rolls. I love skinny jeans because they compliment my thickness without cutting off my circulation and creating the dreaded “muffin top.”
When friends tell me that I’m perfectly built, I sometimes jokingly say, “You haven’t seen me naked.”
There is no strategy when you take your clothes off. When it’s just me and my mirror, I see what only God and my sweetheart see. Yes, they see perfection in my proportions, but they are blinded by their love for me. I love me too, but in a way that allows me to really SEE myself in a way that helps me see the improvements I want to make physically. I say “want” instead of “need” because I don’t need to change my physical appearance to BE pretty. But I DO need to change my physical appearance in order to FEEL pretty.
I need to lose weight because it will directly affect my physical health. It will lower my blood pressure, and it will boost my metabolism as well as my resistance to sickness. Becoming physically fit will allow me to stop “pretending” to let my neighbor’s little girl catch me when she chases me up the sidewalk. She’s 7! I should be able to outrun her little legs without getting winded after passing the second house!
Physically, my definition of FAT means overweight. I’m MAD at myself for taking my health for granted. I’ve only got one life and I want to live it FULLY. I’m just mad enough to stop talking about what I want to do and actually DO something about it!
I am MENTALLY fat.
I have allowed the actions and opinions of others to directly affect my mentality and I need to shed the excess weight that I have allowed to accumulate on my mind! The heaviness of my psyche almost took my life. I once became so used to being a victim that when I realized that I was no longer going to let a man hurt me, I overcompensated by becoming mean and heartless instead. Guess what! I was still a victim. I had allowed the overwhelming need to take control of my life change my heart.
This wasn’t completely a bad thing. During that mental transition I learned that if a man couldn’t at LEAST love me as much as I loved myself, he needed to keep stepping. I have AGAPE love for myself. I love myself the way that GOD loves me and any man that can’t do that does not belong in my life. That’s a fact.
I spoiled myself. I learned to do things for myself. I learned that I HAD to take care of myself before I could take care of anyone else. I learned that not every sacrifice was a necessary sacrifice and I needed to stop sacrificing MY standards and MY priorities to please someone else.
At the same time, I learned to live with a certain NO TOLERANCE mentality that pretty much shaped the past year of my life.
“I don’t get mad. I just delete you.”
And I did. Any man who hurt my feelings was immediately deleted from my phone book, my Facebook, and my email, with no possibility of a second chance. My reasoning was, if he could hurt me once, he would hurt me again, so why set myself up for drama? I had learned to anticipate the worst in people in order to keep myself from falling in love or being disappointed.
Eventually I would let that man back into my life, but NEVER as anything more than a casual friend to be kept at a distance. My heart was closed.
It’s not healthy to live that way…always anticipating the worst, getting rid of a person before they have a chance to do emotional harm, building an unbreakable wall around yourself, and constantly afraid of being hurt. Sometimes you have to take a chance.
This past summer I actually took a chance on a man and found myself compromising my happiness to conform into his version of the perfect Ebony.
Of course, when I realized what was happening and left him alone… the “new” me became even “newer” and, pardon my French, but I got even harder, gaining a “fuck them before they can fuck you” mentality. Once again, it was all about me and I didn’t care how my attitude affected anyone else.
A good guy friend of mine told me that I acted like a man with breasts. I had all the benefits of being a woman with the mind of a man.
I now realize that a major part of my lack of “girly” emotions was directly related to my addiction to the anti-depressant, Zoloft. I no longer have that medication as an emotional crutch. Now I have to deal with the side effects of withdrawal which, at time, consist of nausea, exhaustion, confusion, and sudden mood swings. I can be happy one minute and then crying the next.
All I can do is pray about it and stand my ground as I resist the temptation to take the pills to keep from feeling these emotions. I’m human. I’ve got to deal with it and I know that one day this weight will be lifted and I will no longer be MENTALLY FAT.
I am SPIRITUALLY fat.
I’m not new to church but I’m new to establishing a close relationship with God and trusting Him to fulfill all of my needs. Those who know me understand that although my ex-husband and I officially divorced in 2004, we reconciled and became a couple again in 2005. We stayed together for four more years but did NOT re-marry.
During the time of our separation I prayed and prayed for God to give me my husband back. I went to church. I tithed faithfully. I lived as righteously as I ‘could’. Then when My ex cried and begged his way back into my life I said, “Thanks God. Good Lookin’ out for a sistah.” And I never spoke to Him again….Until I needed Him.
Be careful what you hope for. Not every answered prayer is a blessing. Sometimes it is a lesson.
When I look back on that relationship, I realize that it was doomed from the start. I allowed myself to be used as a convenience and I bought into the false idea of happily ever after without having an official blessing from God.
When my ex-husband left me the second and final time, I was broken. I was hurt. I was depressed. I was shocked when I shouldn’t have been. Honestly, how could anything that was NOT of God be successful? How could anything built on a lie stand firmly through any storm? The foundation was all screwed up and I was too blind to acknowledge the tremors beneath my feet.
How can I gain a closer relationship with God if I don’t fully trust that EVERYTHING happens for a reason? How can I gain the relationship with Him that I want if I’m still holding onto the worldly things that are weighing my spirit down. It’s a process but I know that there are things that I need to STOP doing. It all boils down to a choice and while I feel better than I ever have spiritually, I know that there are still some weights on my ankles that need to come off before I can truly walk comfortably beside Him. Right now He’s still carrying me and I thank Him for that, but at some point, I need too be able to stand on my own. When I fully shed the weight of my sins, I will cease to be SPIRITUALLY FAT.
So, does the Diary of a Mad Fat Woman make more sense to you now? Keep taking this journey with me, keep praying for and with me, and keep holding me accountable to the goals I’m striving to achieve.
I love and appreciate you.
Fat woman out!
I really don’t. I think that our society has become so politically correct that people tend to be offended by the wrong things.
My Blog is called Diary of a Mad Fat Woman. First of all, “DIARY” is a word that denotes the recording of private thoughts. “OF A” refers to an individual. “MAD” refers to the state of mind of the “FAT WOMAN” recording her private thoughts.
This is MY diary. I’m MAD, I’m FAT, and I’m a WOMAN.
In other words…this diary is about ME…not you, not your mom, not your auntie, not your cousin, not your best friend. It’s all about Ebony Farashuu and I make no apologies.
Let’s talk about the word FAT.
I know that it’s ridiculous to some when they see a woman standing at 5 feet six inches tall and weighing in at 164 pounds call herself fat. Technically, I know that I’m not FAT in the traditional sense of the word, but I AM overweight and it is more than just a physical thing.
Strategically, I look good in my clothes. I say “strategically” because sometimes I wear spanx when it’s too hard to suck in my belly. Sometimes I will place a cute belt in places that bring more attention to my boobs than my gut. I wear heels to augment my strut and bring attention to the length of my legs, and I try not to wear tight fitting shirts that have the potential to enhance my baby rolls. I love skinny jeans because they compliment my thickness without cutting off my circulation and creating the dreaded “muffin top.”
When friends tell me that I’m perfectly built, I sometimes jokingly say, “You haven’t seen me naked.”
There is no strategy when you take your clothes off. When it’s just me and my mirror, I see what only God and my sweetheart see. Yes, they see perfection in my proportions, but they are blinded by their love for me. I love me too, but in a way that allows me to really SEE myself in a way that helps me see the improvements I want to make physically. I say “want” instead of “need” because I don’t need to change my physical appearance to BE pretty. But I DO need to change my physical appearance in order to FEEL pretty.
I need to lose weight because it will directly affect my physical health. It will lower my blood pressure, and it will boost my metabolism as well as my resistance to sickness. Becoming physically fit will allow me to stop “pretending” to let my neighbor’s little girl catch me when she chases me up the sidewalk. She’s 7! I should be able to outrun her little legs without getting winded after passing the second house!
Physically, my definition of FAT means overweight. I’m MAD at myself for taking my health for granted. I’ve only got one life and I want to live it FULLY. I’m just mad enough to stop talking about what I want to do and actually DO something about it!
I am MENTALLY fat.
I have allowed the actions and opinions of others to directly affect my mentality and I need to shed the excess weight that I have allowed to accumulate on my mind! The heaviness of my psyche almost took my life. I once became so used to being a victim that when I realized that I was no longer going to let a man hurt me, I overcompensated by becoming mean and heartless instead. Guess what! I was still a victim. I had allowed the overwhelming need to take control of my life change my heart.
This wasn’t completely a bad thing. During that mental transition I learned that if a man couldn’t at LEAST love me as much as I loved myself, he needed to keep stepping. I have AGAPE love for myself. I love myself the way that GOD loves me and any man that can’t do that does not belong in my life. That’s a fact.
I spoiled myself. I learned to do things for myself. I learned that I HAD to take care of myself before I could take care of anyone else. I learned that not every sacrifice was a necessary sacrifice and I needed to stop sacrificing MY standards and MY priorities to please someone else.
At the same time, I learned to live with a certain NO TOLERANCE mentality that pretty much shaped the past year of my life.
“I don’t get mad. I just delete you.”
And I did. Any man who hurt my feelings was immediately deleted from my phone book, my Facebook, and my email, with no possibility of a second chance. My reasoning was, if he could hurt me once, he would hurt me again, so why set myself up for drama? I had learned to anticipate the worst in people in order to keep myself from falling in love or being disappointed.
Eventually I would let that man back into my life, but NEVER as anything more than a casual friend to be kept at a distance. My heart was closed.
It’s not healthy to live that way…always anticipating the worst, getting rid of a person before they have a chance to do emotional harm, building an unbreakable wall around yourself, and constantly afraid of being hurt. Sometimes you have to take a chance.
This past summer I actually took a chance on a man and found myself compromising my happiness to conform into his version of the perfect Ebony.
Of course, when I realized what was happening and left him alone… the “new” me became even “newer” and, pardon my French, but I got even harder, gaining a “fuck them before they can fuck you” mentality. Once again, it was all about me and I didn’t care how my attitude affected anyone else.
A good guy friend of mine told me that I acted like a man with breasts. I had all the benefits of being a woman with the mind of a man.
I now realize that a major part of my lack of “girly” emotions was directly related to my addiction to the anti-depressant, Zoloft. I no longer have that medication as an emotional crutch. Now I have to deal with the side effects of withdrawal which, at time, consist of nausea, exhaustion, confusion, and sudden mood swings. I can be happy one minute and then crying the next.
All I can do is pray about it and stand my ground as I resist the temptation to take the pills to keep from feeling these emotions. I’m human. I’ve got to deal with it and I know that one day this weight will be lifted and I will no longer be MENTALLY FAT.
I am SPIRITUALLY fat.
I’m not new to church but I’m new to establishing a close relationship with God and trusting Him to fulfill all of my needs. Those who know me understand that although my ex-husband and I officially divorced in 2004, we reconciled and became a couple again in 2005. We stayed together for four more years but did NOT re-marry.
During the time of our separation I prayed and prayed for God to give me my husband back. I went to church. I tithed faithfully. I lived as righteously as I ‘could’. Then when My ex cried and begged his way back into my life I said, “Thanks God. Good Lookin’ out for a sistah.” And I never spoke to Him again….Until I needed Him.
Be careful what you hope for. Not every answered prayer is a blessing. Sometimes it is a lesson.
When I look back on that relationship, I realize that it was doomed from the start. I allowed myself to be used as a convenience and I bought into the false idea of happily ever after without having an official blessing from God.
When my ex-husband left me the second and final time, I was broken. I was hurt. I was depressed. I was shocked when I shouldn’t have been. Honestly, how could anything that was NOT of God be successful? How could anything built on a lie stand firmly through any storm? The foundation was all screwed up and I was too blind to acknowledge the tremors beneath my feet.
How can I gain a closer relationship with God if I don’t fully trust that EVERYTHING happens for a reason? How can I gain the relationship with Him that I want if I’m still holding onto the worldly things that are weighing my spirit down. It’s a process but I know that there are things that I need to STOP doing. It all boils down to a choice and while I feel better than I ever have spiritually, I know that there are still some weights on my ankles that need to come off before I can truly walk comfortably beside Him. Right now He’s still carrying me and I thank Him for that, but at some point, I need too be able to stand on my own. When I fully shed the weight of my sins, I will cease to be SPIRITUALLY FAT.
So, does the Diary of a Mad Fat Woman make more sense to you now? Keep taking this journey with me, keep praying for and with me, and keep holding me accountable to the goals I’m striving to achieve.
I love and appreciate you.
Fat woman out!
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