Day 9...Sigh

My son fell asleep holding my hand yesterday morning. The circumstances were not ideal but the action brought tears to my eyes. My child has asthma, and at 12 years old, he still hugs and kisses me, but only when the mood strikes him. Yesterday morning, when he called, wheezing and crying, I dropped everything to get to my baby. 4 puffs of his inhaler did nothing because by the time I got to him, he had begun hyperventilating. My first impulse was to take him to the Emergency room, but a voice inside of me told me to stay calm. I grabbed his breathing machine and gave him a round of albuterol. When that did not calm him, I gave him a round of pulmacort, which is an inhaled steroid. As he lay in bed with an oxygen mask on his face, inhaling his medication, I climbed into next to him and held him tightly. He grabbed my hand and as the steroid began to interact with the albuterol, his body relaxed and he sank into a deep sleep. I couldn’t let go of his hand. I couldn’t let go of him. So I stayed there, holding him close to me until I was asleep too.

My son was a preemie. It was a difficult pregnancy that threatened both our lives. I was always afraid of losing him during pregnancy…that did not change when he was born.

When I was pregnant with him, I found the perfect crib set at Burlington Coat Factory. It was a denim Winnie the Pooh comforter set that I knew was perfect for my baby. I couldn’t wait to save up enough money to buy it. On the day I ventured to the store, cash in hand, ex-husband struggling to keep up with me, I got to the baby section and found that all of the comforter sets were gone.

The sales clerk proceeded to tell me that the set had been discontinued and that there was no way to order more.

I remember sitting down in a glider rocker they had on display….and crying my heart out. I cried until my ex-husband couldn’t take it anymore. He asked them what they were doing with the comforter set on display if it had been discontinued. The sales clerk took one look at my tears and then saw the look of desperation on the husband’s face….without a word, she stripped the display of everything associated with that Winnie the Pooh set and sold it to us at a discount.

That baby never even NAPPED on that comforter set. As a matter of fact…he NEVER slept in his baby bed at all. He slept on my chest, every night for the next 2 years.

He’ll be leaving me to go and live with his father this summer. It’s breaking my heart. I don’t want him to go and yet, I know that he’ll be no good if he stays with me. I spoil him and hug and kiss him, and keep him a baby when he needs to learn how to be a young man.

But yesterday morning, when he snuggled into me and held my hand as he slept…I knew that he would always be my baby.

It’s the small things that make me smile.

Oh yeah, I’ve gained 4 pounds! WTH?