Day 14...I'd Do It All Again

I'd do it all again. Knowing the pain I feel I feel at this moment, understanding the lonely nights that await me, feeling the salty tears of my sorrow cascading down my cheeks and landing in a pool at my feet, I'd do it all again.

I thank God for him.

I thank God for allowing me to experience a love that, until now, I'd only read about in books. I thank God for reminding me that each moment should be cherished as if it were the last moment. I thank God for whispering that each last moment is actually the first moment of the rest of my life.

This is one such moment. The moment of clarity through blurry vision. As I wipe away the first of many tears I will shed within the next few days, I can't help smiling as his face appears in my mind.

I love him. I mean, I LOVE him. I sometimes sit and try thinking of different adjectives to describe my feelings for him because surely LOVE is not an adequate definition of the emotion I feel whenever he walks into a room...whenever he looks at me...whenever he smiles at me...whenever he touches me...

And he loves me the same. He loves me hard and with no apologies. He loves ME.
So why am I crying? Because sometimes love is simply the art of knowing when to let go. Love isn't selfish or possessive. Love isn't a shackle that connects a man and woman together for eternity with the heaviness of a ball and chain.

The bible says that love is patient. Love is kind. Love is forever transforming as we grow into the men and women that God meant us to be.

Love is a journey that sometimes, must be taken alone with no one but the Lord to keep you company.

Love is God. God is Love.

Andru was my love, presented to me by God, wrapped in the goodness of his heart and placed in my hands for safekeeping. But sometimes we can hold on too tight. We can surround a person so completely that they can't see past the wall of contentment they feel when in your presence.
Sometimes love is an obstacle.

I don't want to be an obstacle for him and he doesn’t want to be an obstacle to me but we keep holding on because our hearts can’t bear a moment without each other. We want to be bigger than this. We want to be better than this. But maybe our love IS selfish.

Today, as I sat in Church, listening to testimonies, God spoke to me. It wasn’t subtle and it was much louder than the usual whisper. God told me that if I didn’t remove myself from Andru’s life, he was going to do it for me. See, God had been telling us to let go for weeks and yet, I kept holding on...telling myself that I couldn’t really hear the whispers...so he yelled at me.

Let go!

It wasn’t easy, but we did.

How do you explain to friends and family that you broke up because you loved one another enough to let go and let God? Not many people will understand why we chose this direction and I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter. God knows. And if it was truly meant to be, he will give us back to one another one day. But for now...we both have a path that we need to follow and we need to focus our full attention on God.